My Dad is a baldie. For as long as I can remember he had a ‘Bobby Charlton’ going on. He used to keep a comb in his back pocket and comb over a long bit of hair from the side of his head over the top. It looked silly, especially in the wind. I can remember the day we cut it off, it was about a foot long. He looked so much better afterwards.
I always said to myself that If I ever started losing my hair I’d shave it off. Well I lied. From about the age of 25 my hairline has slowly slipped towards the back of my neck. To disguise this, numerous hairdressers and I have conspired to create a terrible illusion. I did what my Dad did but in a different way. My Dad grew a bit of hair from the side and combed it over, I grew a bit of hair from the top of my head and carefully laid it forward. This illusion was destroyed in the slightest of breezes. This is why I’m always seen wearing a hat. Wind was not my friend.
So a month ago, après snowboarding my friend (a confident tall baldy) gave me a grade 1 all over and I hated it. I was hoping I’d look like Jason Statham but instead I looked like I was ill. I was really hoping I’d look at bit tougher, like that bloke in Prison Break, but no. I think it was such a shock because I’d gone from sort of looking like I had some hair to looking like I obviously had no hair.
Only a handful of people have seen my new look since I’ve fuzzed it off and people’s reactions have been disappointing. “Christ you’re a bald bastard aren’t you!”, “I never thought you should have shaved it.”, “Why don’t you grow it back to how it was?” People can be so cruel.
Over the last 3 weeks I’ve been growing it back, more as an experiment to see what happened. What happened was terrible. Last night I got a little mirror and looked at the back of my head. What I saw was a thick band of hair growing the back of my head. I showed my friend Dangerous Matt and said “Look, at this!” and he said, “That’s quite bad.” I looked like a young Willie Thorne. (This is a bad thing)
I got Dangerous Matt to clipper the thick ring of tragedy and blend it in to the balding thin bit above. Dangerous Matt doesn’t have any previous hair dressing experience but I think he did a good job. I obviously look like a massive slaphead and need to accept the fact that light will bounce off my head forever and blind you in the eyes. Maybe one day I will but for the moment I’m keeping my hat on. Bald isn’t beautiful. It’s shit.