Letter to smokers


I used to be a Store Manager in a shit retail shop. It was shit and they treated me like shit and it was shit.

This is an email I once sent to a firm of solicitors who worked next door. Some of their workers left loads of cigarette butts on the floor. I got bored of constantly sweeping them up but I didn’t want to make a proper complaint because I wanted to keep it nice and friendly.

I sent it to @debsa to proof read for typos and she recently found it and sent it to me. The photos I included in the original email have since been lost.

The email worked for about 3 days and is below:

Dear Smokers of Thomas ****,

I write to you whilst watching a rather dull episode of Masterchef, I think Kim’s soufflé was a bad choice and frankly Tim has got this one sewn up with that lovely Tiramisu. With little else to do this evening except install a new Wifi router I thought this would be a rather good time to compose a letter to my lovely working neighbours.

Now some of you may already know what I’m about to say, if so, you are free to leave. Thank you for your time. The rest of you, can I ask you to concentrate and focus on what I am about to say. Some of you may even want to read this twice, that’s fine, take as long as you need.

Now Chichester has many lovely walls, many were first laid by the Romans, lots are really stoney and flinty but by far my favourite wall is the one that’s known by you as the “smokers’ wall”.

It’s just the perfect height to rest weary legs, have a natter and smoke your favourite brand. The boxes behind “smokers’ wall” offer perfect privacy to hide what’s becoming an increasingly unpopular hobby. It used to be a really cool sport; how things have changed!

The trouble is, and this is the point of my letter, some people, not you, probably people from Portsmouth, have been abusing our lovely wall and surrounding area. Yes! I know! And to think that the National Trust considered it an area of national beauty in 2006. My friends, the cigarette butts have become a terrible nuisance.

I do my bit for the community. Many of you may have seen me accessorise my Italian fabric suit (great value at only £130) with a stiff broomed brush feverishly hiding the litter.

I have also provided a container see image below:

*image of a bin*

As a professional smoker myself (I smoked for the County in the early 90’s) I know how that having to dispose of the butt is a frightful bore and it almost makes me so stressed that I need another cigarette to get over the effort. So I empathise.

I want to ask you if you would be willing to help me keep Smokers’ Wall nice and clean tidy and lovely? Would you? You would! That’s great news! You can’t ignore the beauty of it can you! Can you?:

*a picture of a tiny wall*

Thank you so much, you really have been wonderful readers.


Rich x

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


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