I’m fast approaching my 2nd anniversary of tweeting. I have tweeted everyday for nearly 2 years. This means I am qualified to advise about how it all works and make some rules for you to follow:
Rule 1. Twitter is addictive, don’t start.
If you are reading this you probably clicked the link from Twitter. This means you have failed already. You are weak and you disgust me. It’s okay I’m addicted to Twitter too (the noise owls make). My addiction isn’t as bad as it used to be. These days I can actually go a whole hour without picking up my phone to tweet or “just check Twitter”. This is providing of course that my girlfriend gives me 24 hours notice or I happen to be somewhere that doesn’t have any signal or I run out of battery.
Rule 2. Twitter is addictive, don’t start.
You weren’t listening. I live my life in tweets. I have a conversation with someone in the real world and they say something funny or stupid and I think: “I’ll tweet that.” Or something terrible happens like I lose my job and I immediately think: “I’ll tweet that.”
Why do I do this? Well it’s because someone might retweet my tweet and then I might get an extra follower. This is what makes Twitter so addictive: Extra followers. Some of you may comment that you don’t care how many followers you have. Yes you do you lying bastard. We all want more followers. Here is a simple formula of why we always want more:
Human Interest + Loneliness x @ replies = LOVE
It is an addictive cocktail. I say it again don’t start.
Rule 3. Don’t Follow anyone
You can follow me that’s okay (see rule 2) but don’t follow anyone else, let me explain. The trouble with following someone on Twitter is that you normally expect them to follow you back. This doesn’t always happen and it hurts. But it doesn’t hurt as much as this: Being unfollowed. That’s the real punch in the testies/vag.
If I don’t follow someone but they follow me, and then they decide to unfollow it doesn’t bother me, but if I follow them and then they follow back but they subsequently decide to unfollow it’s upsetting. It makes me go a bit mental. My knee jerk reaction is to unfollow them straight away. If I don’t do that I start reading their tweets differently, “That tweet was shit!” I think in my head. “I hate you for unfollowing me! How dare you! I’m much better at Twitter that you, but you unfollowed me! I hope you have a rubbish life and get ill at Christmas AND get shit presents! I thought you liked me? Why did you unfollow me? What did I say? I want to hurt you in the tits.”
I’m exaggerating but only a bit. The only way to avoid this situation is not follow anyone. If you had followed rules 1 and 2 this wouldn’t have happened in the first place now would it?
Rule 4 Don’t Write Any Tweets
Some days the tweets flow easily, everything you see and do inspires a wondrously witty look on life. All tweets comfortably fit within 140 allowing enough space for someone to put a “RT” at the start. On other days however, you can’t think of jack bollock to write. Well this won’t do! You search and search for something to tweet about. After hours of thinking you panic and blurt out “A BIT OF DIRTY CARPET”
It is a degrading, life-sucking waste of time so don’t bother trying.
Rule 5 Don’t Play Hashtag games
Thanks for reading.