People I’ve met on Twitter

Hello

At the moment I follow 136 people on Twitter. None of them are celebrities.

2 accounts that I’m following are for work, so that doesn’t count so I’m actually really following 134 real people.

Some of these people I knew before I started twitter, like my Mum and others, these include:

@cornpop (my mum)
@rickharwood (oldest mate)
@Str1pes (My gf)
@florianstephens
@Debsa (Best Chi friend)
@HairportUK (my hairdresser)
@Figs1105 (old colleague)
@Et1e
@Becklar
@diaryofaledger
@yettieicewank
@parktavernchi
@yomummas
@tw1tterband

This is interesting isn’t it?

Take out these people, the people I knew before using Twitter this leaves 123 people.

I reckon I have met more people from Twitter as a % of following than anyone else on Twitter.

These are the people I’ve met and actually met and follow onTwitter listed chronologically (ish).

@Biltawulf
@RoOkin
@Spallerina
@An_Irish_Brit
@lisavalencia1
@lizabeckism
@chocosquirrel
@GDorean
@Emily_nia
@themanwhofell
@Tweeeeed (@David1969)
@janapleyto
@nicktheguitar
@Mullies
@Capnbobfrapples
@toastylechat
@jjlechat
@lafish
@ChrisFloydUK
@Wo
@TrueGritTree
@Stuart_Dent
@Huge_Jarsehole
@JWilliamsRacing
@Chippie244
@DanBeames
@nonnygoggler
@Twosoups
@AmateurAdam
@RedEaredRabbit
@Maccyd67
@PoppyD
@Mattleys
@IamJamesWard
@Wowser
@GarethAveyard
@Domcoke
@fliesopen
@ImthebigOJ
@Mashupsoldier
@BabbPhoto
@SarahStrange
@decath10n
@Stephrah
@UtterBen
@Msmalondies
@Slivesey
@Davielegend

That’s 48 people.

I’ve met 48 people on Twitter, through Twitter, I’ve actually met more than that but I don’t follow them so it doesn’t count.

I’ve met more people I follow on Twitter than people I follow on Twitter who I knew already. Read that again.

I’ve met 39% of the people I’ve “met on Twitter” on Twitter. This is probably a world record and I deserve a Twibbon.

For your information, (FYI) Everyone I’ve ever met on Twitter is very similar to how I thought they would be. It’s quite difficult to bullshit yourself up on Twitter. That’s why we like it.

Who do I want to meet next? Good question..

@Balconyshirts
@Morgyface
@Fredposts

@Sfendle and @Angryplumber live too far away.

That’s it. Thanks for reading. There was no real point to the blog I just wanted to write it down.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hello.

One Monday morning last May I had this conversation with my old boss.

Boss: “I was in The Swan (Arundel) on Saturday and I was talking to the landlady about business and stuff and she told me she told me a story that happened the night before. You know that they rent rooms out yeah?

Me: “I know the pub but I don’t really know it that well.”

Boss: “It’s like a sort of B&B. Anyway, some people come over to her and complain that water is dripping from the ceiling. So she goes over to check and it is, it’s dripping all over these people’s food. So they go upstairs with the key to the room and they there’s a bloke in there lying on the bed with his laptop?

Me: Was he looking at porn? Did they knock?

Boss: I don’t know, anyway they tell him that water is dripping downstairs and they think it’s coming from his room! He jumps up and says “Shit I left the bath running!” He runs to the bathroom and opens the door. With that water pours out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.”

Me: “Was the overflow blocked or something?”

Boss: “I don’t know. Anyway, all this water pissing out into the bedroom causes more drips downstairs.”

Me: “Why couldn’t he hear the bath over running.”

B: “I don’t know, anyway, that’s not the end of the story. The landlady is in the room, mopping up all the water and she notices there’s a funny smell and It turns out he was cooking a fish in the kettle.”

Me: “Cooking a fish in a kettle?”

Boss: “Yes.”

Me: What? What sort of fish?

Boss: “I don’t know.”

Me: That’s disgusting. What did he say?

Boss: “I don’t know.”

Me: “That’s really really weird. What did she do?”

Boss: “I don’t know.”

Me: “I thought you said that he was on his laptop? Surely the kettle switches off when it’s boiled? Surely a bath can’t over fill in the time it takes a kettle to boil?”

Boss: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well then what happened?”

Boss: “I don’t know, the pub got busy and she didn’t have time to speak to me.”

Me: “Why didn’t he just get a takeaway?”

Boss: *shrugs shoulders*

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Fish in a kettle.

Continue reading

Letter to smokers

Hello.

I used to be a Store Manager in a shit retail shop. It was shit and they treated me like shit and it was shit.

This is an email I once sent to a firm of solicitors who worked next door. Some of their workers left loads of cigarette butts on the floor. I got bored of constantly sweeping them up but I didn’t want to make a proper complaint because I wanted to keep it nice and friendly.

I sent it to @debsa to proof read for typos and she recently found it and sent it to me. The photos I included in the original email have since been lost.

The email worked for about 3 days and is below:

Dear Smokers of Thomas ****,

I write to you whilst watching a rather dull episode of Masterchef, I think Kim’s soufflé was a bad choice and frankly Tim has got this one sewn up with that lovely Tiramisu. With little else to do this evening except install a new Wifi router I thought this would be a rather good time to compose a letter to my lovely working neighbours.

Now some of you may already know what I’m about to say, if so, you are free to leave. Thank you for your time. The rest of you, can I ask you to concentrate and focus on what I am about to say. Some of you may even want to read this twice, that’s fine, take as long as you need.

Now Chichester has many lovely walls, many were first laid by the Romans, lots are really stoney and flinty but by far my favourite wall is the one that’s known by you as the “smokers’ wall”.

It’s just the perfect height to rest weary legs, have a natter and smoke your favourite brand. The boxes behind “smokers’ wall” offer perfect privacy to hide what’s becoming an increasingly unpopular hobby. It used to be a really cool sport; how things have changed!

The trouble is, and this is the point of my letter, some people, not you, probably people from Portsmouth, have been abusing our lovely wall and surrounding area. Yes! I know! And to think that the National Trust considered it an area of national beauty in 2006. My friends, the cigarette butts have become a terrible nuisance.

I do my bit for the community. Many of you may have seen me accessorise my Italian fabric suit (great value at only £130) with a stiff broomed brush feverishly hiding the litter.

I have also provided a container see image below:

*image of a bin*

As a professional smoker myself (I smoked for the County in the early 90′s) I know how that having to dispose of the butt is a frightful bore and it almost makes me so stressed that I need another cigarette to get over the effort. So I empathise.

I want to ask you if you would be willing to help me keep Smokers’ Wall nice and clean tidy and lovely? Would you? You would! That’s great news! You can’t ignore the beauty of it can you! Can you?:

*a picture of a tiny wall*

Thank you so much, you really have been wonderful readers.

Yours,

Rich x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Email from Ann

Today I received an email from Ann. I don’t know who Ann is. She must have sent it to the wrong Richard. Below is her email and my reply. I’ve changed names except mine and Ann’s.

“Hi Richard,

It took a while to find time to download these shots and edit them but I was delighted with the results especially of Sam in the chookhouse. He is a very photogenic little boy. It was great that you could bring the boys up here and we had a lovely day notwithstanding a little mess and a few protests. Sam left some toys behind vis a few dinasaurs, planes and the like. I am happy to drop them into your letterbox anytime if you are not home.

Ken is leading a bushwalk for his group on sunday September 11th to the Thomas Hill forestry reserve which is north-east of the city with acces from Corkscrew Road, Montacute, meeting at about 1 pm. Let me know if you are interested so I can forward details when available.

No news re Investertec service at C yet but I am feeling very uneasy about it all especially with Brian leaving. Just have to wait and see. Hope life is settling into some sort of pattern for you and that the boys have been able to stay in the new house.

Take care,
Cheers,
Ann

************

Hi Ann,

Thanks for the lovely email.

I’m sorry it took you a while for you to download these shots and edit them but it was worth it. You are right, Sam is very photogenic particularly when he is in a chookhouse.

I did not take any boys anywhere but I’m glad you had a lovely day despite the protests. I’m sorry to hear that Sam left some toys behind. You spelled dinosaurs incorrectly and please don’t put them in my letterbox.

Good to hear about Ken leading a walk. Bushes are great. Thanks but I’m not interested.

Sorry to hear that Brian is leaving don’t be nervous, everything will be fine I am sure. My life is quite a nice pattern. I don’t know what you mean about “the boys” or “new House”.

Great to hear from you though.

Love Rich.

Location:East St,Chichester,United Kingdom

Wake up Maggie

Hello.

I had a stupid idea to make a Tw1tterband. It’s a band made on Twitter. It’s also a project. So it’s the TwitterBand Project.

Tw1tter band project has a logo. It was designed by the marvellous @mediaben

Yesterday I decided to give it a trial run. I was “let go” by my employers so I had nothing better to do.

I decided we would do Maggie May. By Rod Stewart.

It’s a great tune. My 1st pet was named after the song. Maggie was a cat. Maggie is dead now. If she wasn’t she’d be 39 now. I don’t know what that would be in cat years.

So at approximately midday yesterday I asked on Twitter if a producer was free to help.

@Logikalpaul very kindly agreed to help.

I had already found out from Twitter thathttp://soundcloud.com/ was a good way to share tracks.

@logikalpaul sent me this:http://bit.ly/fuFBN9 which was a computer generated drum track to share with artists would have to follow. Paul told me that the tempo was the most important thing. I’ve leaned since that recording the drum track 1st would be better and make everything tighter. I like it tight.

Then I asked (begged) for artists to get involved.

The mightily talented @danbeams kindly agreed to do the bass. And recorded thishttp://j.mp/gI7Opo bass track at about6pm. Then Paul mixed it with the drum track here: http://bit.ly/gDom2g.

About half 6 @nicktheguitar recorded this acoustic guitar track. http://j.mp/ejIuHa I was getting very excited.

@Mark_fellows then sent me this mandolin track. http://j.mp/ekm5sw I love the sound of it. It’s a happy interment. Or am I thinking of the ukelele?

@Davielegend kindly volunteered to do lead vocals after I bullied him into it. It’s pretty bloody impressive. He didn’t know the song, and the song is a long song to sing. He sent this at about 7pm http://j.mp/gub6cI It took him 3 hours! Recorded using an iPhone.

It took @Jameswasnthere less than an hour to knock out the intro http://j.mp/gP5I4i and an acoustic track. http://j.mp/eAqXgX talented shit.

@RoOkin then sent loads of electric intros to the tune. http://j.mp/eyBXLN I really hope Paul uses some of this.

Then @Scottlechat did this. http://j.mp/fo5wtS He missed the 8pm deadline by 10mins. He’s been playing keys for 20yrs. Listen to it on headphones. It gives you a tumour.

Drums was an issue. I forgot to ask for drums! Silly me not knowing shit thought that the drum track was the drums. I was wrong. Fortunately @racinghippo did this: http://j.mp/gy0Bsn on live drums and @prophet_fred did this: http://j.mp/gY6pxk

So that’s pretty much the progress so far. This rough mix was done by Paul at about 9pm

Maggie vocal bass guitar chords rough mix by PaulBlackburnCompositions

A rough full mix version is due out within 2.5 hours. Are you excited as I am?

I can’t believe how easy it was to do this. Ok it took some work. It took some talent (not mine) but this was all organised using Twitter and and iPhone.

I will post more about Tw1tterband and where I see this project going tomorrow.

Thanks for reading. All rights reserved. x

Since the last post this was done.

Maggie twitband mix-with organ by PaulBlackburnCompositions

Pretty bloody cool. Yes sir!

Location:Little London,Chichester,United Kingdom

@WHISKS 5 Twitter Golden Rules

Hello.

I’m fast approaching my 2nd anniversary of tweeting. I have tweeted everyday for nearly 2 years. This means I am qualified to advise about how it all works and make some rules for you to follow:

Rule 1. Twitter is addictive, don’t start.

If you are reading this you probably clicked the link from Twitter. This means you have failed already. You are weak and you disgust me. It’s okay I’m addicted to Twitter too (the noise owls make). My addiction isn’t as bad as it used to be. These days I can actually go a whole hour without picking up my phone to tweet or “just check Twitter”. This is providing of course that my girlfriend gives me 24 hours notice or I happen to be somewhere that doesn’t have any signal or I run out of battery.

Rule 2. Twitter is addictive, don’t start.

You weren’t listening. I live my life in tweets. I have a conversation with someone in the real world and they say something funny or stupid and I think: “I’ll tweet that.” Or something terrible happens like I lose my job and I immediately think: “I’ll tweet that.”

Why do I do this? Well it’s because someone might retweet my tweet and then I might get an extra follower. This is what makes Twitter so addictive: Extra followers. Some of you may comment that you don’t care how many followers you have. Yes you do you lying bastard. We all want more followers. Here is a simple formula of why we always want more:

Human Interest + Loneliness x @ replies = LOVE

Acceptance (followers)

It is an addictive cocktail. I say it again don’t start.

Rule 3. Don’t Follow anyone

You can follow me that’s okay (see rule 2) but don’t follow anyone else, let me explain. The trouble with following someone on Twitter is that you normally expect them to follow you back. This doesn’t always happen and it hurts. But it doesn’t hurt as much as this: Being unfollowed. That’s the real punch in the testies/vag.

If I don’t follow someone but they follow me, and then they decide to unfollow it doesn’t bother me, but if I follow them and then they follow back but they subsequently decide to unfollow it’s upsetting. It makes me go a bit mental. My knee jerk reaction is to unfollow them straight away. If I don’t do that I start reading their tweets differently, “That tweet was shit!” I think in my head. “I hate you for unfollowing me! How dare you! I’m much better at Twitter that you, but you unfollowed me! I hope you have a rubbish life and get ill at Christmas AND get shit presents! I thought you liked me? Why did you unfollow me? What did I say? I want to hurt you in the tits.”

I’m exaggerating but only a bit. The only way to avoid this situation is not follow anyone. If you had followed rules 1 and 2 this wouldn’t have happened in the first place now would it?

Rule 4 Don’t Write Any Tweets

Some days the tweets flow easily, everything you see and do inspires a wondrously witty look on life. All tweets comfortably fit within 140 allowing enough space for someone to put a “RT” at the start. On other days however, you can’t think of jack bollock to write. Well this won’t do! You search and search for something to tweet about. After hours of thinking you panic and blurt out “A BIT OF DIRTY CARPET”

It is a degrading, life-sucking waste of time so don’t bother trying.

Rule 5 Don’t Play Hashtag games

#Theyareshit.

Thanks for reading.

Snake in my bath

Flat x
XX Little Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1XX

Customer Services
Croydex Ltd
Central Way
Andover
Hampshire
SP10 5AW

17 October 2010

Dear Sir

I am writing to complain about one of your products I have purchased from your range of shower accessories. More specifically I would like to have a moan about your Croydex stainless steel 1.5m shower hose.

I invested in said hose at the end of August for my rented flat in Chichester. Because it is a rented property I am not allowed a shower. I foolishly thought I would buy a shower hose and nozzle and attach it to the bath taps in a vain attempt to pretend I was a home owner with a proper shower. For a while it gave me a certain amount of dignity. Since my initial purchase, I have had many happy mornings rinsing myself down in the bath like a filthy dog after a long walk on the beach, for this I thank you. However, today something disturbing happened.

This morning I was worried about lots of things. I have recently lost my job and the future is a little bit frightening as some of you at Croydex can imagine. I felt anxious about money and how I was going to pay the rent and buy food and play the fruit machine. So, I thought I would have a nice bath to relax. That was a big mistake. I ran a bath, added some Radox Calming Moods Bath Essence, de-robed and slid-in for a nice relaxing soak. Then I felt something sinister move by my leg. It felt a bit snakey. I moved my leg away from the snakey thing. Suddenly, totally unprovoked, it bit me! And that really hurt Croydex.

When my girlfriend got home from work I told her what had happened. She explained it was probably a hair on my leg getting caught in one of the springy type joints of the hose as I had absolutely no visible bite marks or any physical injury whatsoever. She also said I was being a bit of a girl and I should stop being stupid. What does she know? I thought. She only works in admin.

I thought I should write to let you know as I am sure you will want to investigate this incident further and possibly warn your other customers that this particular type of hose has a tendency to pretend to be a snake. I purchased this shower hose from a man called Robert Dyas who owns a shop in Chichester with the same name. Although I have never actually met Robert himself I have purchased lots of stuff from him before. He is a good man. During your investigations I wish for no harm to come to him or his family.

Kind Regards

@Wh1sks